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| i meant to write a couple hours ago, while i was feeling slightly bad. two hours later, after much procrastination, i think i can still feel just as bad.
i've been crying a lot recently. i think, more than usual, but i don't really keep track so who knows. now that i think about it, i guess about 3 times a week, since i do it a lot in classs.
i have significantly stopped trying to be friends with many of the people i am sort of friends with. but i've also met quite a lot of other cool people. they come and go. i was seeing ricky very often, up until the other night. i think i love him though. he does not love his girlfriend. no one loves me. blah blah blah.
i want my mummy to make me spaghetti. i wanted to go home to her today. i asked her to call me early to get me up, but she closed out of the message by accident. so when i called her at one she was mean and told me she didn't want me going home. and then she called me at two asking me if i was coming home or not and being very sweet, but i felt like i wasn't meant to go home. wish i did. i was supposed to do work.
but instead i sat around and ate fatty foods. i haven't been eating a lot lately, because i think that i am fat. then i drew for about an hour and a half. then watched the film the hours. then i lied in my bed, and i got that feeling. the feeling is worse now that it gets darker earlier. and where im laying down, a little sweaty from my clothes and the comforter. when i haven't really moved in a while and where it feels like the whole day disappeared when i wasn't moving. theres sort of a heavy feeling in my head, which isn't me being tired or having a headache or being sick or woozy but just a little teeny little bit of everything which makes you feel like you want someone to take care of you, anyone. the lightsource is always very apparent, even though it doesn't make much a difference how bright or from where. sometimes when its the afternoon i guess only about 2 o clock but i know i'm going to waste the whole rest of the day, it makes it feel a little better because even though i know whats going to happen there is always a little possibility because the obnoxious glaring light is coming from outside your window and telling you to get up. that's how it was this morning, before i gave up on my work. tonight though, it was the glow from the tv, with a shitty dvd soundtrack loop going over and over again but it was too short to be comforting and i had to put it on mute and lay there and check the calendar on my phone to see if there were really that many months with five sundays and to check for the nth time that i was working the day after thanksgiving, and christmas eve, and every other day after that that i will want to be home.
i have one more class until i graduate, and i'm wondering what reason i have to stay around here. if i don't see ricky, i won't want to work with him, and the boss was screaming at me and and i was screaming and crying and telling him to leave me alone. jobs are hard to come by. cheap rooms are hard to come by. i have to remember that as much as i miss my mother, i couldn't and shouldn't live home. ever again. anyway. we've already gone over this.
it's now entirely way too late to save the day, or night, whatever. the drawing of simonetta is hardly done and on my floor, but i think i can finish it tomorow at the laundromat. i won the laundromat raffle..highlight of my week. mel pekarsky can go fuck himself for giving me such a hard time this semester, and i'm going to tell him that, and i'm going to tell him that his class means shit to me and my grade in it means shit that i've failed plenty and don't need shit to graduate and his stupid things in the desert show is a good fucking start but it means shit in the scheme of things and that i dont want him to talk to me anymore, and that i may very well opt of out doing the painting where we can paint however we want because i dont want him ruining absolutely everything i might enjoy about painting. and after i tell him all this, im going to try really really hard to do a wonderful reproduction of the simonetta girl with her braids and pearls and snakes and im going to work my ass off and im going to cry a lot, and if its not good enough then he can go fuck himself. as zhi says, he will be punished.
i should have more time to work on this painting, because my other classes are going kinda smoothly. tomorrow i have to go in a bit early, to forge some metal for my interpretation of garden art, and to change one word of the narration of my film that i find doesn't work. andrew told me that he liked my movie, and i was surprised, because as he said, he normally doesn't humour me. anyway, that made me very happy to hear and i kind of believe he isn't just saying it. i don't know what to think of it after watching it two hundred times while editing, but i think it might actually be good. i think tomorrows going to be a good day.
like i said, i've been crying a lot. but after last time when i fought with ricky, and tried to talk to jeremy which didn't work, and then nina called me and she made me feel better and then andrew called me and made me feel better, i feel okay. and i woke up and i did a lot of work that day. and i'm almost done doing work, and that's good, for now.
i'm going to clean up a lot, and put my things in a bag for tomorrow, and feel better. even though the stupid dvd is still playing, i had a very interesting debate over the roots of homosexuality and listened to the decemberists album and adrian visisted while i was writing and jess and i talked for the first time in a long time, and everythings fine. and andrews right, i don't have to be alone and i don't have to run away from people, but i just gotta think of some people differently i guess.
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| i had a really long crazy dream about a lot of stuff and it was a stupid dream about drinking instead of studying and a whole lot of things happened. train stations and hiding and animals.
then i woke up and was mad that i slept until 2 and my mom called me and she was yelling at me because she called me at 12 and i didn't answer, and but i told her i woke up after that, and she was still mad and she said she is glad that she didn't come today and i said i would have woken up earlier if you were coming and she said maybe she should come everyday and we ended up hanging up on each other.
and then i fell asleep and i had another dream. and joey and steve wanted to pick me up because they were going to mattituck and for some reason i went with them. to the highschool maybe, to see something there. and then i was hungry and wanted pizza and we got some. and behind the shopping center is the cemetary where my brother is and we started going there, maybe so they could smoke pot, but then i wanted to go with steve to the grave. there were some other people from mattituck there but then they multiplied and were all hanging out and i didn't know why. all my friends and hundreds of people from the library and school and town, but i couldn't find my brothers grave. there were all new graves where he was and i found kristy there and she looked so beautiful but there were 2 of her and i couldn't tell which was real and we talked for a long time. and then i walked in the other direction and it became the beach and i found my mother and my family and someone had moved the grave very close and facing the water. and my mom wasn't upset, she was putting up a television on top of a little drawer that was uncentered on top of the stone, which wasn't the same now, and asked me it was okay and i said no its not. and she said she cant believe that all of the things broke and the rocks from the beach were mixed in with the little buddhas and the stones and the drawing i buried there once and she was playing with them all. and my sister was there and talked about how the bones were broken now. i started crying and said how it was bad that they moved it but my mom said that it wasn't that bad because now we could be at the beach at the same time, but i knew that there would always be other people at the beach and thats why there were all there now so i cried and said maybe i would want to be alone here. and i crawled towards the water, and the sand was now the wallpaper of some old persons house and after a few feet in it became sand again and i wanted to go under but it was too shallow and never got deep and i just lied there for a little while because it was warm.
when i went back out i picked up a little baggy and it had seeds and other things in it and i think it was meant so that we could grow grass there, but it was pointlessly small, and there were little dead mealworms in it and i opened up a corner.
and then i was in an unfamiliar bathroom and one of the little worms was alive and it came through the hole and fell out. and then another one and it started growing while it was coming out and was almost as thick as my pinky and it crawled into my stomach and then another one did. they started growing and and i had to hold my hands at the ends of them to stop them but every time i took my hands off they grew longer. they look like the scars that my mother has on her belly. i ran to my mom and told her and she wasn't that concerned but she was going to drive me to the hospital but it was so far and i was really scared. i started craving cigarettes but i couldn't take my hands off of my stomach so my mom held it for me. and then on our way we got into a car accident and her new car got all ruined and she ran away from me. i tried to get rides from so many other people but none of them wanted me in their car. they were all mean and busy and some of them were so crazy and one girl knowingly closed their door on the little boy hands in the back to get me off of the door and the fingers went falling off and i could see his facial expression.
i finally got into a car. but it was with two lesbians that were going to rape me and we touched each other down there briefly, but i ended up in the same house of the bathroom and people were chasing me and i didn't know where to go and someone went up the fireescape right near a door i was going into and i saw them but i knew there was no where to go so i lied down holding my belly.
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